It takes hard work to stay married! Even when two people truly love and admire one another, life happens! Stress, trauma, family of origin issues, financial difficulties, loss and health issues can take a toll on marriage. It is not easy to overcome these challenges. Some marriages have much stronger outside forces that push against their marraige.

Here are a few tips that I have found helpful on my journey of 25 years.

What can you do?

1. Remember that you make a choice daily. Each day you chose to be "all in." You are not looking for an easy out, you choose to work together and move through the struggles.

2. Communicate with one another! Do not let hurts pile up. Talk about your feelings and use solid communication skills. Listen without seeking to justify yourself. It is important to validate your partners feelings so they feel heard and understood. We all have family of origin issues! Own up to your own triggers and be honest.

3. Set firm boundaries with one another about acceptable, respectful behavior. Use humor to remind each other of these boundaries. Focus on lowering co-dependency in your relationship. We all have varying degrees of co-dependency, recognize yours and work on it!

4. Keep up support systems that are healthy to help you through challenging times. Encourage each other to maintain outside supports and self-care behavior. We need to be a whole person to have a whole relationship.

5. Take time to recharge as a couple too! It is easy to get disconnected with life happening all over the place! Stay in touch with each others dreams and visions for life. What is truly important to your partner? What is your greatest goal as a couple?

6. Dont sweat the small stuff! Okay so a towel is on the floor? End of the world, perhaps not. Negotiate about things that drive you nuts and learn to let some thing go. One hundred years from now is that really going to matter at all? We miss so much by getting caught up in small battles.

7. When you cannot let it go look underneath to see what you are truly feeling, most likely it is not about the towel on the floor. Perhaps you feel resentful, overwhelmed or unappreciated.

8. Marriage is a partnership. Treat it like one! Work on cultivating an atmosphere of respect and admiration. You both have amazing talents and skills you bring to the relationship that the other does not have. Learn to utilize your partners strengths in the relationship.

9. Be mindful! Practice just "being" with your partner. Take time to slow down and enjoy the space you create together. This is hard with so much life happening. Take a few moments in the morning or evening. Sensory activities together are great for this. Cuddle, massage, hot tub, cook...

10. The most important thing to remember is to keep your sense of humor! Life is serious enough! If you can learn to laugh at yourself and with your partner you will elevate stress and move through many potential triggering times.

Grief is a process. The definition of grief is keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. Many times we look for the day we "get over" the loss. We never truly do. Some days are better than others, but other days take us back to that loss. Milestones in life can also be extremely difficult: graduations, births, holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries. Today the type of day and time of year takes me back.

It is days like today that remind me of my Dad. On raining days he would stay home from work. He was a bricklayer by trade and rarely could work in the rain. He also was battling cancer at this time of year. I took off work and we began homeschooling to care for him. Some days just take you back...the smell of the rain soaked ground...looking at the wet earth...feeling the dampness on your skin. Milestones in life can also be extremely difficult: graduations, births, holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries.

The best we can do is honor those feelings of loss. Let ourselves delve into the sadness. Recognize that we will have days that "bring it back." That is normal. Honor those thoughts and feelings. The sadness will pass if we allow ourselves to move through it. 

Many times we will do everything BUT allow those feelings.  There are uncomfortable. We distract, rationalize and stay busy to stop the feelings.  This is not helpful.  Those bottled up feelings very easily turn into health issues like high blood pressure, autoimmune issues, headaches, joint pain and more! If we can "sit in" the feelings and allow them to pass we can be successful in not turning the feelings inward and wreaking havoc on our bodies/minds.

Collaging can be very helpful to help you move through the sadness. It is less intense than journalling but very effective.  Setting the collage aside to process another day will deepen the experience. Talk to others about your sadness.  Remember your loved one.  I have found any type of creative outlet helps in dissipating the grief and honoring it. You can paint, draw, write a song or a poem to honor your lost loved one.  This blog for me is grief work :)  It honors the memory of my father and allows me to be "get out of myself" and share with others. 

Don't be afraid of the grief you experience.  Embrace it. Move through it.  Don't get stuck there.  It is more difficult to be stuck in grief than to feel your feelings.  

If you are unable to process with a friend or family member Hospice of Santa Cruz has free grief counseling. 

Free camp for kids that experienced the death of someone close to them. 

*IFS Theray 8 C's of Self

If we can be honest with ourselves we can acknowledge that things always have a way of working themselves out...our fear, worry and self-doubt are not helpful and do not improve our outcome.

We were made to need rest. It is during that "down time" that we can recharge our batteries.  Our creativity will get sparked and we will be able to be MORE productive. The right kind of distraction will increase your ability to problem solve.  Who hasn't had the ephipany in the shower while relaxing under the hot water? Time off from work has been shown to increase productivity, willigness to work and create more balance.  Think about that statement in terms of what down time can do for your family. 

During family time we teach our children how to engage with others and bond.  We are modeling for them how to have relationships with others. We will be teaching our kids that they matter, they come first. It gives each member a time to connect with each other and bond during positive experiences. What valuable lessons to teach! 

Midfulness family walk
Look at #5 :)