When children are born the most important developmental task that they face is being able to attach to their primary caregiver.  It is this attachment that lays the foundation for children to be able to develop socially and emotionally in early childhood.  Children learn what to expect from their environment, how they should be treated and what relationships look like from their primary caregivers. Every time that a newborn is held and attended to when crying the child is learning to trust their environment and learning to build relationships. Attachment to parents provide infants and children with a sense of security, help the infant in developing affect regulation, build communication and help the infant/child have a secure base to feel safe and explore their environment. 

As parents we can attach in three negative ways to our children.  The way that we attach affects how our child will function in the future, their rate of development and how they relate to others. This attachment that we give to our child can change due to trauma and stressors in the immediate family.

Avoidant attachment occurs when children's needs are dismissed, when their behavior is thought of as purposeful to cause problems for the parent,  and the child is thought of in a negative light by the caregiver. Children that have this style of attachment are more aggressive, experience negative interactions with other children, and tend to sulk and withdraw. The negative behaviors and interactions cause a negative view of the child for peers and teachers which reinforce the child's belief that they are a "problem."

Ambivalent/Resistant Attachment occurs when a parent is not consistent in their response to their child.  The parent may respond to needs in one instance then ignore the child or become angry in another.  These children learn to read their parents behavior and mood. They have a strong desire to have consistent attachment and focus on trying to attain this. This stifles their interest in exploration of the world around them and stifles their development. 

Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment occurs when the child sees the parent as someone to fear. These children can become highly controlling and very aggressive toward peers. Due to not receiving love and nurturing their self-esteem is low and they face difficulty in school. Many parents that attach to their children in this way have experienced trauma in their own childhoods.

Attachment is an interactive and reciprocal process that involves the "space in between"  the caregiver and the child. Tone of voice, rhythm of voice, eye contact, voice modulation and body movement help caregivers create a safe reciprocal environment for their child to respond and grow in the relationship. In a secure attachment the parent is in tune to the child and responds to wants and needs that the child expresses. They are able to "follow the child's lead."  If the child cries the parent is aware of what the cry means and is able to respond in a nurturing manner to meet that need.  They are aware of when their child needs space or is overstimulated and can adjust the environment accordingly.  

In a domestic violence (DV) household there is high anxiety, anger, feelings of being overwhelmed or "walking on eggshells."  There is depression and hopelessness that is experienced by the caregiver. These strong feelings are felt and experienced by the children in these homes as well. Caregivers that experience such strong emotion are unable to be present to meet their children's needs.  Survival for the caregiver consumes their energy and the children suffer the consequences of living in a home that has DV. 

When children live in a home that has domestic violence they are experiencing trauma. It does not matter if the child experiences the DV firsthand or witnesses the DV happening to another family member. A child that lives in a home with any form of DV is affected in a negative manner.

 When stress is experienced there is an increase in cortisol within our body.   This is true for adults and children.  When DV occurs repeatedly toxic stress is experienced.   When toxic stress  occurs we are essentially bathing our brain in cortisol.   This also occurs to a child while they are in the mother's womb.  If a mother experiences high levels of stress their cortisol passes the placental barrier and the child is affected. This increase in cortisol causes physical, emotional, psychological, social and behavioral changes within a child. 

Studies have shown that children that experience repeated trauma/toxic stress show a  smaller than average brain size compared to peers that have not experienced this repeated trauma. Cognitive function is impaired and children experience difficultly with tasks that require memory. There is a noticeable decline in attention span and ability to focus.  It is difficult for these children to regulate themselves or self-soothe.  These children are "on edge" and experience a heightened startle response.          

Children that are living in a DV environment experience higher amounts of fear in regard to their environment. Their basic sense of safety and trust is undermined by the out of control feeling they experience within the home environment.  They too, experience helplessness and depression.  Children internalize blame and blame themselves for the DV that occurs in the home.  They feel that it is something that they did or did not do that caused the DV.  They can experience problems sleeping, act out aggressively or regress in their behaviors. 

Children are not able to function at school and may not want to go to school.  At times, they may feel that if they are with the abused parent they can in someway prevent the abuse. If children do go to school they are not able to concentrate and learn due to fears of what is happening at home.  Children may be labeled as ADHD due to inability to concentrate, behavioral issues at school and issues socially with other children. 

The affects of DV last a life time and set the child up to repeat the DV cycle with their own children. If our children form a negative attachment to us then they will not be prepared to attach to their children in a  positive  manner.  DV sets up generations to be affected in negative and damaging ways.

It is important that if you experienced DV within your childhood that you work through your trauma.  We can only parent how we learned to parent.  If  our parents were unable to attach to us in a healthy manner, we will be unable to attach to our children in a healthy manner.  It is important to recognize the unhealthy pattern and break the cycle.  Counseling can help you learn how to strengthen the attachment you have with your child and build a secure bond that can affect future generations of your family in a healthy way.

If you are in a DV relationship seek help to find support to make sure that you can get out of the relationship safely. 

Walnut Women's Center 24 Hour help line
866-269-2559

Defense de Mujeres
888-900-4232

Women's Crisis Support 685-3737 
Provides emergency shelter for DV and sexual assault victims

DV Hotline
800-799-SAFE

Domestic violence (DV) can occur in many areas of a relationship.  It can be physical, emotional, sexual or psychological abuse.  DV occurs when one partner tries to control the other partner in these areas. The DV follows a pattern. It is referred to as the "cycle of violence."  

The household will experience a time of tension.  At this time the abuser is looking for an excuse to abuse. Blaming occurs and the partner has a sense of "walking on eggshells" to keep the peace in the household. This morphs into the abusive phase. This is when the abuse occurs. It is important to remember that DV occurs physically, mentally,emotionally, economically and sexually. DV is not just physical abuse. 

After the abuse period comes the "honeymoon" phase. The abuser may agree to do things that you have been wanting them to do or stop doing things that you have asked them to stop. They will "promise you the moon" to keep you in the relationship.  This is when the abuser will apologize, give gifts and appear to have changed. If you listen closely when the apology occurs you can hear blame.  The abuser may apologize, but the blame will be placed on your shoulders.  The apology may include these phrases:
"Why do you make me do this?" 
" If you weren't so ________ I would not do this."  
"If you had not ___________ I would not have gotten so angry."  
"Anyone would have a hard time if they were in my situation and would have been a lot harder on you." 
Minimization occurs during this phase by both partners. It is difficult because you want to believe that real change is occurring and that this time the abuser will be different. 

DV is learned behavior. Many partners that batter grew up in a home in which they witnessed DV. This is a family pattern that has been reinforced.  Partners that are abusive need professional help to change their behavior. Change takes time and many programs are a year long. Many batterers refuse to seek treatment and are unable to see that this learned behavior is wrong. 

In the book, He Promised He'd Stop by Michael Groetsch,you can find more information about batterer types and the likelihood of change. You can also find more information listed on the Power and Control Wheel.  It details the various forms of abuse in a relationship and gives clear examples.  On the Freedom and Equality Wheel you can find actions and behaviors that occur in a healthy relationship.

Domestic violence begins slowly.  If the abuser were to immediately start abusing they would not be able to find someone willing to be in a relationship with them.  This is why it is so difficult for many people to understand that they are being courted by an abuser.  In the beginning the abuser may seem to be a great person. They will look to fill needs and desires that you have been looking for such as a father figure, desire for a family or need to be cared for.  Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning there may seem to be a few things that crop up as a concern about the relationship, but they minimized by the abuser. 

There are some red flags that you can pay attention to when in a relationship. Pay attention to these signs:
*Excessively jealous-needing to know where you are all the time, texting/calling numerous times a day to keep track of where you are and who you are with, questioning you after periods of time away from them.
*Volatile-"has a short fuse," blames others/you when things go wrong, yells/name calls.
*Make threats- either about self-harm, harming friends or family, pets, strangers or you
*Tries to limit your contact with family and friends
*Puts you down, humiliates you, embarrasses you-the abuser may try to pass off the behavior as a "joke"
*Pushes/shoves or restricts movement by holding you down- the abuser may try to minimize behavior to keep you in the relationship. 
*You feel "crazy" when with this person
*You "walk on egg shells" to not anger this person
*You feel that you can not do anything right around this person
*You notice that your self-esteem is being affected
*You feel helpless when with this person
*You feel that there is something "not right" in the relationship
                                                               
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!

Abuse becomes "the normal" when you are in it.  Your mind begins to rationalize the behavior and the abuser convinces you that it is your fault.  It makes me think of the story about cooking a frog in a pot.  If you want to cook the frog you cannot put him in a pot of boiling water, he would jump out of it.  If you put him in a pot of cold water and turn the heat on. The water warms slowly. The frog is not aware that he is getting cooked.  This is domestic violence in a nutshell. Slowly you become used to the abuse. It becomes your new "normal."

Abusers pick who they abuse. There is a controlled effort to lower your self-esteem.  They want you to feel that "no one else would have you," and that "you are lucky" to be with them. Isolation from friends and family makes it easier for the abuser to abuse you.  They do not want you to have a support system to help you see what the truth is. They will try to destroy relationships with those that you love. Intimidation and threats are used to keep you "where you should be." You are expected to do what they want, when they want. It is about control. Being in a relationship with an abuser is crazy making. 

If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship get help.  You will need support and safety to leave the relationship. There are some local resources in Santa Cruz County available to help.  Click on the links below for more information:

Walnut Women's Center 24 Hour help line
866-269-2559

Defense de Mujeres
888-900-4232

Women's Crisis Support 685-3737 
Provides emergency shelter for DV and sexual assault victims

DV Hotline
800-799-SAFE

Look for part two of this series:

When I refer to self-esteem I am referring to a child's sense of worth and confidence in themselves. Self-esteem involves many different beliefs about self.  These beliefs are often formed during the developmental years. Self-esteem affects how we view ourselves in relation to the world and in the world. It  is related to how we assess our outward appearance.  It impacts our emotions and our ability to express them. It is related to what behaviors we engage in and the behaviors that we disengage from.

Many families desire to help children have healthy self-esteem but parents can have a difficult time with this.  Some parents are afraid to praise their children too much. They worry that their child will “get a big head,”  get “too big for their britches,” or believe that they can not be humble if praised too often. How can children be praised in a way that will increase their self-esteem without inflating their ego so they think of themselves better than others?  This is a question that plagues many parents.  
 
It is important to praise children for effort not results. As parents, we need to recognize the hard work that children engage in.  Things do not need to be perfect to praise children. You can start by describing what you see.  Let’s say that your child was supposed to pick up their room. What does the room look like? Did the child make the bed, put books on the shelf or put their clothes away? Tell them, “I like the way that you put all your clothes away in your drawers.” Be specific about what you see. Tell them how you feel.  Are you proud of them, happy that they listened the first time? Label the behavior that you are praising. Were they diligent, hard working or have good listening skills?

For children to thrive it is important that they are taught to express their feelings in a healthy way.  When children are able to control their emotions and express their feelings they feel in control of themselves. This feeling of being in control of ones emotions fosters positive self-esteem in children. 

Children need their feelings acknowledged. They need our help in building their “feelings vocabulary.”  We can do this by helping them label their feelings. If they are mad let them express it verbally. Help them put words to the anger, “Sounds like you are so mad you would like to ______________.”

When we don't recognize or acknowledge a child's feelings they begin to think that they can not trust their own feelings. We inadvertently create an alternate reality for our children by not acknowledging their feelings. Some of the common things that are said to children are, "You can't be tired you just had a nap," "You really aren't hot" or "You aren't hungry you just ate." Children can begin to doubt their reality and their feelings.  This will have a negative impact in their self-esteem.

Children are in need of undivided attention. They need to experience our full attention. Stop what you are doing and focus on them. Get down to their level and look them in the eyes. When we take time out to engage with children we are sending them the message that they are important to us. When we listen intently to their stories and ideas we are helping them understand that they are interesting and worth listening to. We also teach important social skills that will help children have social competence in social settings.

Children need to be respected.  Parenting is frustrating at times. It is difficult to not become angry at times. We must take care that when we discipline that we talk to our children in a respectful manner.  A good thing to remember is this question: Would you treat another person in the manner that you treat your child? We don't commonly shame, slap, push or yell at others in our lives.  These behaviors, when directed at children, can create negative labels that children will carry with them all their life. These labels turn into a negative internal dialogue that keeps a child bound in low self-esteem.

Children are in need of autonomy to increase their level of self-esteem.  Children need to make appropriate choices. Let children choose what clothes they would like to wear, allow choices for snack, free time and other appropriate developmental choices. By allowing a child to make choices we are showing them that we trust them to make the good decisions. This will teach children to trust their choices in life and develop their own sense of self. When we neglect to foster our child's autonomy we are setting them up to be indecisive, anxious and overly dependent on others.

It is important that children struggle some.  We can not swoop in every time our child experiences some difficulty.  Many times as parents our first instinct is to help our child. We want to  “save” them from the struggle or perhaps we are too busy and can not wait for them while they struggle.  When a child struggles and is able to complete the task at hand they gain a sense of mastery that allows them the knowledge that they are capable and competent beings. As children grow they must know this or they will stifle themselves and not try new things or seek out challenges.

Children need to have time to just “be.” Time to play uninterrupted without us rushing in to structure their time or monopolize their play. Allow your child to be engrossed in their play without interrupting the flow of their play. Too many children today are structured so closely that they are not able to use their imaginations in play.  Free play is relaxing for children. It allows creativity to grow and blossom. Developmentally children need free play.

Encourage children to have a wide network of extended family and friends. Increase their world experiences outside of the home. When children have a wide base of support it helps them to see that they are important and loved by others. Interacting with others can increase their skill set in many areas and help foster a feeling of competence.

Our children will face many things as they grow.  They will experience hurt and disappointment, injury and illness and loss. By helping your child to have a strong sense of self and healthy self-esteem you can prepare them to weather the storms of life.  Children that have a higher level of self-esteem are better equipped to make and keep positive friendships and work through difficult situations that they face.