Grief is a process. The definition of grief is keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. Many times we look for the day we "get over" the loss. We never truly do. Some days are better than others, but other days take us back to that loss. Milestones in life can also be extremely difficult: graduations, births, holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries. Today the type of day and time of year takes me back.

It is days like today that remind me of my Dad. On raining days he would stay home from work. He was a bricklayer by trade and rarely could work in the rain. He also was battling cancer at this time of year. I took off work and we began homeschooling to care for him. Some days just take you back...the smell of the rain soaked ground...looking at the wet earth...feeling the dampness on your skin. Milestones in life can also be extremely difficult: graduations, births, holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries.

The best we can do is honor those feelings of loss. Let ourselves delve into the sadness. Recognize that we will have days that "bring it back." That is normal. Honor those thoughts and feelings. The sadness will pass if we allow ourselves to move through it. 

Many times we will do everything BUT allow those feelings.  There are uncomfortable. We distract, rationalize and stay busy to stop the feelings.  This is not helpful.  Those bottled up feelings very easily turn into health issues like high blood pressure, autoimmune issues, headaches, joint pain and more! If we can "sit in" the feelings and allow them to pass we can be successful in not turning the feelings inward and wreaking havoc on our bodies/minds.

Collaging can be very helpful to help you move through the sadness. It is less intense than journalling but very effective.  Setting the collage aside to process another day will deepen the experience. Talk to others about your sadness.  Remember your loved one.  I have found any type of creative outlet helps in dissipating the grief and honoring it. You can paint, draw, write a song or a poem to honor your lost loved one.  This blog for me is grief work :)  It honors the memory of my father and allows me to be "get out of myself" and share with others. 

Don't be afraid of the grief you experience.  Embrace it. Move through it.  Don't get stuck there.  It is more difficult to be stuck in grief than to feel your feelings.  

If you are unable to process with a friend or family member Hospice of Santa Cruz has free grief counseling. 

Free camp for kids that experienced the death of someone close to them. 

Grief is described as complicated when it interferes with functioning in a major way. You may find it difficult to maintain relationships. Even when surrounded by friends and family, you feel cut off and alone.  Emotionally you may experience numbness, not being able to enjoy daily activity.  You may feel like you have lost your purpose in life. When you experience the loss of a child you may feel that you have lost a part of yourself that you cannot get back. School and work may become impossible for you to tackle.  There is difficulty concentrating and functioning. Complicated grief is all encompassing and “swallows you up.”  The grief does not lessen or let up. The grief continues to consume you. 

Complicated grief extends beyond six months after the loss for children and twelve months after the loss for adults.  The main criterion to remember is that this grief interferes with your ability to function; it does not lessen over time.  Children may engage in play that relates to being reunited, play that reflects the separation from the deceased or play that expresses concern that others close to them will die. Children may experience survivor’s guilt when a sibling is lost and wonder why they were chosen to live.  You may experience preoccupation of the loss in regard to how the death occurred, avoiding things that remind you of the loss, or being preoccupied with the one that died. You may become confused about your role in life, desire to die or have recurrent thoughts that it should have been you.  

The death of child is a common trigger for complicated grief.  Complicated grief can trigger hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. It is important to discuss these feeling and thoughts.  When a child dies it is common for family members to not discuss the death to “protect” others from the loss and grief. However, even when the loss is not discussed all members continue to experience the grief. Discussing the thoughts and feelings related to the loss can help family members to realize they are not alone.  Each member in the family shares the grief of the loss, whether it is expressed openly or not.

It is important to remember that grief is a normal and natural part of losing someone that we love.  The problem occurs when grief does not lessen over time. Although we may experience some symptoms of grief longer, we should see a decrease in some grief symptoms. We will forever experience triggers to the grief such as holidays, birthdays and major life events. There should be a noticeable decrease in the grief and you should begin to feel like you are finally moving through the grief. 

If you are not experiencing a lessening in grief and feel that you are moving through the grief, it is important that you seek contact with someone that can help you.  A therapist can help you navigate the thoughts and feeling that you are experiencing. Therapy can help you increase your support system and give you coping tools to help you move through the difficult terrain of complicated grief. Therapy is a safe place to share your story, thoughts and feelings regarding your loved one.

LINKS:
loss and grief handouts

Eight myths about children and loss, Hospice Foundation of America

Helping after Neonatal Death: HAND

Many resources for books, websites, special needs, grief due to neonatal loss, infertility and more

The loss of a child is an extremely excruciating loss.  Parents are supposed to outlive their children.  Children are not supposed to die before their parents. The loss of a child does not follow the typical order of life events that we know.  It seems that even if we are aware of the possibility of losing a child, we can never be “prepared” for this to happen. The loss of a child is always a shock, whether or not the child is lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, during birth, in-utero or due to genetic diagnosis.

From the moment of conception we begin to plan for our child.  We prepare for our child’s life.  We begin to care for our child before birth by caring for ourselves, being sure to eat right and go to the doctor appointments.  We ready the house, buying things that we need for this new edition to our family. We prepare siblings for the event of bringing home another family member to share in our life.

When we lose a child there are many feelings that are experienced by all family members.  Each family member will experience the grief in a different way.  Some family members will  lose their son or daughter, others will lose a brother or sister, and others will lose a grandchild and have to watch this devastating event happen to their child. At times it may be difficult to understand why others are behaving as they are. Remember there is no “right way” to grieve.  At times, we may be lost in our own grief and not be aware of how the loss is affecting those around us.  Share your feelings with other family members. You may be suprised to find that others are experiencing the same emotion, just expressing it in a different manner.

Shock and disbelief occur first, along with many questions. How could this happen? Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why was I unable to stay pregnant? We can experience guit and shame due to these questions. We begin to feel that our bodies let the baby down or our genetics let the baby down. This guilt can turn into anger that we direct at ourselves.  This anger that is directed inward is very difficult to overcome.

We may experience blaming our partner for the loss of our child.  We begin to scrutinize everything that occurred during the pregnancy to look for the reason the loss occurred. We may think of instances that our spouse had us “do a little too much” and pinpoint that as to the  “why”  the loss occurred.  It is so important to discuss these feelings and thoughts with our partner. When we lose communication in our relationship these thoughts and feelings fester and become a poison that can permeate the relationship.

We may find that we can not be around other babies or pregnant women.  It is just too painful and reminds us of the loss that we experienced. We may experience jealousy in regard to other women that are pregnant and giving birth.  This is a very common response that is experienced to keep the grief at bay.

We may find that the grief extends for a long time. It is important to remember that there is never a magical line that we cross where we “get over it.” We will deal with the loss of our child for the rest of our lives.  However, as time passes we will be able to discuss the loss without breaking down. Healing begins slowly. We begin to feel more “normal” as time passes. We will experience times of deeper sadness around anniversary dates, the due date, or time of conception but our grieving period will pass.  The grieving process becomes a problem when we do not find the grief lessening.

The loss of a child has been shown to be a risk factor in developing complicated grief.  When our grief extends into complicated grief we need more support to pass through the grief. You will find an explanation of complicated grief in part two of The Loss of a Child.