Grief is a process. The definition of grief is keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. Many times we look for the day we "get over" the loss. We never truly do. Some days are better than others, but other days take us back to that loss. Milestones in life can also be extremely difficult: graduations, births, holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries. Today the type of day and time of year takes me back.

It is days like today that remind me of my Dad. On raining days he would stay home from work. He was a bricklayer by trade and rarely could work in the rain. He also was battling cancer at this time of year. I took off work and we began homeschooling to care for him. Some days just take you back...the smell of the rain soaked ground...looking at the wet earth...feeling the dampness on your skin. Milestones in life can also be extremely difficult: graduations, births, holidays, birthdays, death anniversaries.

The best we can do is honor those feelings of loss. Let ourselves delve into the sadness. Recognize that we will have days that "bring it back." That is normal. Honor those thoughts and feelings. The sadness will pass if we allow ourselves to move through it. 

Many times we will do everything BUT allow those feelings.  There are uncomfortable. We distract, rationalize and stay busy to stop the feelings.  This is not helpful.  Those bottled up feelings very easily turn into health issues like high blood pressure, autoimmune issues, headaches, joint pain and more! If we can "sit in" the feelings and allow them to pass we can be successful in not turning the feelings inward and wreaking havoc on our bodies/minds.

Collaging can be very helpful to help you move through the sadness. It is less intense than journalling but very effective.  Setting the collage aside to process another day will deepen the experience. Talk to others about your sadness.  Remember your loved one.  I have found any type of creative outlet helps in dissipating the grief and honoring it. You can paint, draw, write a song or a poem to honor your lost loved one.  This blog for me is grief work :)  It honors the memory of my father and allows me to be "get out of myself" and share with others. 

Don't be afraid of the grief you experience.  Embrace it. Move through it.  Don't get stuck there.  It is more difficult to be stuck in grief than to feel your feelings.  

If you are unable to process with a friend or family member Hospice of Santa Cruz has free grief counseling. 

Free camp for kids that experienced the death of someone close to them. 

When I speak of happiness I am speaking of an overall sense of well being and satisfaction that permeates your life regardless of circumstances or life events.  We will all encounter things in our lives that are difficult.  How can we continue to have an overall sense of well being and satisfaction with life? Many studies have been done on happiness.  The interesting thing is that there seem to be some main themes that continually crop up. 

Many of us have heard it said to "Count your blessings." I grew up hearing my mother tell me this quite often.  This has actually been shown to be true. To have an overall sense of well being and satisfaction with life we need to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness.  What things are going well in our life?  One way to help cultivate this attitude of thankfulness is to keep a "Blessings Journal."  Jot down all the things that you are thankful for.  You can then review it at times you believe that things are not going so well.

Some other  phrases that many of us have heard is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,"  "pay it forward" and "random acts of kindness."  Kindness has been shown to be instrumental in the level of happiness that we feel and has been shown to help depression as a "positive activity intervention." Why is this true?  When we focus on others we "get out of ourselves."  We quit focusing on the negative emotions that may be occurring and are able to increase our positive emotions.  There are many opportunities to help those around us.  As a family you could draw names and then be secret agents for the week delivering random acts of kindness in a stealth manner to the family member whose name you draw.  The actions do not have to be large.  What would make their life a little easier for that particular moment?    Possibly doing the dishes or helping with groceries, the ideas are endless.

It has also been shown that it is important to have a purpose in life.  Where do you find meaning in life? What things are important to you in life? Having a purpose in life has been shown to decrease substance abuse and depressive episodes.  Journaling about your daily activities can help you to assess which activities and people increase your feelings of well being.   This will help you to get closer to what activities and people you find meaningful in your life.  What activities do you engage in that put you "in the zone?"  What are the activities that you can get lost in? It can be a creative outlet like dancing, writing or art. Perhaps it is an activity like teaching, working with children or helping others.  Maybe you feel in the zone when you are in prayer or during meditation.  Pay attention to those things and think about what your purpose is for this life. 

How many of you have seen the SNL skit with Stuart Smalley? He looks in a mirror and says "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. Dog gone it, people like me."  Many people laugh at this skit and it is funny.  The truth is that positive affirmations can  indeed increase your overall level of satisfaction. Affirmations work best when they are personalized to you.  We all have faulty cognitions that we have picked up through life. Some common negative cognitions are related to not being "good enough" like  "I'm stupid," "I'm worthless," and "I'm hopeless."  One way to help combat these thoughts is to utilize a recipe card and write the evidence against the thought on one side and write your affirmation on the other side.  Let's say that you are working on "I'm stupid." You could list the time that you got a good grade on a report, got into college, were able to solve a problem or were told by others that you were smart.  Your affirmation might look like "I am a smart person and capable of learning."

Mindfulness has been proven to increase overall life satisfaction.  So many of us are hurried through life rushing from one appointment to the next. How can you be mindful when you are so busy? It is difficult and does take practice.  The first thing that you can do is practice on focusing on your breathing.  Just take a few moments and really focus on your breathing, in and out.  If your thoughts wander bring yourself back to focusing on your breathing.  When you are engaging in activities become aware of all your senses.  Engage your senses in the activity. At times when you feel yourself spacing out, notice how your body feels and engage your senses. What do your hear, smell, taste, feel, see? Take time to enjoy nature.  Get out and hike, go to the beach or take a walk.  Feel your feet on the path you are walking and engage your senses. It takes practice...sometimes a lot of practice. Studies have also shown that mindfulness can decrease negative affect, lower stress, lower emotional reactivity and reduce anxiety. Those are great reasons to learn to be mindful!

Self acceptance is another component to well being in life. We usually are very hard on ourselves and at times can be our own worst enemy.  When mistakes are made we can berate ourselves like no other.  It is important to learn to be kind to ourselves.  One strategy is to step back from the mistake or event and think about what would we tell a friend?  Would we be giving the same negative barrage of words and adjectives?  Most likely not. Think about specific situations that you have been hard on yourself and write down what you would tell a friend about those situations.  We all make mistakes.  Look at mistakes as real life learning experiences.  We all have set backs in life but if we keep moving forward we will eventually get to where we are going!

Six Tips to Increase Happiness:
1. Count your blessings
2. Be kind to others
3. Find your purpose in life
4. Use positive affirmations and self-talk
5. Be mindful
6. Accept yourself