Sheryl Isaacs is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is currently working in Scotts Valley seeing clients in private practice.
Sheryl has worked with families and children that have experienced a wide range of issues including: anxiety, trauma, depression, autism, ADHD, developmental issues, behavioral issues, divorce, bulimia, grief, communication and self esteem issues. She provides parental coaching, child therapy, sibling counseling, family therapy, marriage counseling, and individual counseling. AuthorArchives
March 2020
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The Loss of a Child7/17/2013
The Loss of a Child...Part 1![]() The loss of a child is an extremely excruciating loss. Parents are supposed to outlive their children. Children are not supposed to die before their parents. The loss of a child does not follow the typical order of life events that we know. It seems that even if we are aware of the possibility of losing a child, we can never be “prepared” for this to happen. The loss of a child is always a shock, whether or not the child is lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, during birth, in-utero or due to genetic diagnosis. From the moment of conception we begin to plan for our child. We prepare for our child’s life. We begin to care for our child before birth by caring for ourselves, being sure to eat right and go to the doctor appointments. We ready the house, buying things that we need for this new edition to our family. We prepare siblings for the event of bringing home another family member to share in our life. When we lose a child there are many feelings that are experienced by all family members. Each family member will experience the grief in a different way. Some family members will lose their son or daughter, others will lose a brother or sister, and others will lose a grandchild and have to watch this devastating event happen to their child. At times it may be difficult to understand why others are behaving as they are. Remember there is no “right way” to grieve. At times, we may be lost in our own grief and not be aware of how the loss is affecting those around us. Share your feelings with other family members. You may be suprised to find that others are experiencing the same emotion, just expressing it in a different manner. Shock and disbelief occur first, along with many questions. How could this happen? Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why was I unable to stay pregnant? We can experience guit and shame due to these questions. We begin to feel that our bodies let the baby down or our genetics let the baby down. This guilt can turn into anger that we direct at ourselves. This anger that is directed inward is very difficult to overcome. We may experience blaming our partner for the loss of our child. We begin to scrutinize everything that occurred during the pregnancy to look for the reason the loss occurred. We may think of instances that our spouse had us “do a little too much” and pinpoint that as to the “why” the loss occurred. It is so important to discuss these feelings and thoughts with our partner. When we lose communication in our relationship these thoughts and feelings fester and become a poison that can permeate the relationship. We may find that we can not be around other babies or pregnant women. It is just too painful and reminds us of the loss that we experienced. We may experience jealousy in regard to other women that are pregnant and giving birth. This is a very common response that is experienced to keep the grief at bay. We may find that the grief extends for a long time. It is important to remember that there is never a magical line that we cross where we “get over it.” We will deal with the loss of our child for the rest of our lives. However, as time passes we will be able to discuss the loss without breaking down. Healing begins slowly. We begin to feel more “normal” as time passes. We will experience times of deeper sadness around anniversary dates, the due date, or time of conception but our grieving period will pass. The grieving process becomes a problem when we do not find the grief lessening. The loss of a child has been shown to be a risk factor in developing complicated grief. When our grief extends into complicated grief we need more support to pass through the grief. You will find an explanation of complicated grief in part two of The Loss of a Child.
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10 Habits of a Healthy Parenting7/10/2013
![]() 1. Children are valued for being who they are. They are cherished for their uniqueness. Talents and abilities are encouraged, whatever they may be. 2. Firm limits are set with appropriate choices. Limits are followed through with love and respect. The consequence of the child's behavior is tied as closely as possible to the natural consequence that would occur from the behavior. 3. Children are taught that their behavior impacts others in either a positive or negative way. They are held accountable for their actions and required to make restitution when necessary. 4. Parents are not afraid to share their imperfections with their children. When wrong, parents openly admit it and apologize, seeking forgiveness from their child. 5. All of the children’s needs are met: physical, mental, emotional, developmental, medical, spiritual and basic life needs. 6. Children are responded to when expressing needs and wants. Needs and wants are not ignored. Children are taught to sort out a want versus a need. 7. Children are not expected to act in a way that is above their developmental level. They are accepted as they are developmentally, whether they are delayed or not. 8. Children are allowed to behave like children. They are not expected to behave as miniature adults. Parents recognize that circumstances can affect how a child behaves and helps their child to recognize these triggers that increase negative behavior. (i.e., being tired, hungry, sick) 9. Parents take time to really listen to their child, utilizing all their senses. When children talk to their parent, their parent takes time out from what they are doing to listen, making eye contact and getting down to their level. 10. Parents respect how their child feels and thinks. Feelings and thoughts are not dismissed but validated and valued. Children are not told "That doesn't hurt" or "You aren't that sad." They are allowed to feel their feelings and have their own ideas. It is not necessary to be a perfect parent. We just need to be a "good enough" parent. As parents we all have days that we struggle with life's circumstances that affect our parenting. The important thing is that we are honest with our children when this occurs. Use those difficult days to help your child see how to label their emotions and work through frustration as you model appropriate behavior for them. Therapy can help parents who are facing life challenges such as co-parenting issues, communication problems, co-dependency, behavioral issues or depression. Today it is not uncommon for parents to face multiple struggles. Parenting is the hardest job that you will ever have and the most rewarding. Therapy can help lower stress created by life's circumstances by providing a supportive network and solid research based interventions to improve your family's daily life.
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![]() By Sheryl A. Isaacs, MS The affects of separation are numerous. Each person within the family unit will suffer the loss of separation and grieve differently. Regardless of whether or not you are married or living together the effects are the same. This can be complicated by many things. Families that have half-siblings, step siblings or children that have built relationships with the parent figures family face unique challenges. Separation is an ending of a life style that all have become used to. Children experience the loss developmentally. How children exhibit this stress in their lives also depends on where they are developmentally. It is important to note that ALL children are affected. When you begin to look at the developmental tasks that are faced during different developmental time periods, it is easy to see why children would express stress in a way that is typical for that age group. Below is a table that is compiled of ages, how stress is expressed and developmental tasks that a child is trying to negotiate that are related to the child’s expression of stress.
You can see that for the infant the main tasks are that of forming attachments and emotional development.
When separation occurs within this developmental stage the child is unable to experience continuity in attachment with both parents. This will increase crying, eating and sleeping problems. This can lead to an increase in stress for the parents. That can result in further loss of the ability to attune and attach to their child. The child is working out the crisis of trust vs. mistrust. When a child is unable to negotiate this crisis they form mistrust for their world and those in it. Toddlers engage in increased fantasy play at their developmental stage. It stands to reason that a child that experiences separation of parents would naturally become fearful about the separation and ask for the absent parent. The toddler may be experiencing fantasies that he is unable to convey to parents due to an inability to cognitively share his thoughts and feelings. The toddlers are seeking to negotiate the crisis of autonomy vs. shame and doubt. The toddler that is unable to negotiate this crisis experiences shame of his behavior and doubt in his abilities. The toddlers that do not negotiate this stage successfully will have issues initiating and be inhibited. As children enter into the preschool years they begin to work on gender identification and self-theory. Children tend to identify stronger with the same-sex parent. If the opposite parent engages in negative talk about the same-sex parent it may cause the child to identify that he is “bad” or “wrong.” During this developmental period children are beginning to identify who they are and where they belong. The first community that is experienced is the family unit. This gives the child’s first sense of self and belonging. Preschoolers are seeking to negotiate the crisis of initiative vs. guilt. At this developmental stage children can experience regressive behavior, whining and transition issues. It is at this stage that children begin to experience guilt, which may make it difficult to go with the other parent. During the school age years (i.e., early elementary years and pre-adolescent years) children are learning to build friendships and begin self-evaluation of who they are. The crisis that early elementary children are seeking to weather is competence vs. inferiority. Parental interactions that are negative can harm how children relate to peers at this stage. Children are looking to parents to see how to behave as friends. Children at this stage will exhibit school performance issues which can cause low self evaluation as they compare themselves to peers and their performance. When this crisis is not negotiated successfully children will develop a sense of inferiority. It is during this age range that kids seek to know “whose fault” it is and wonder “what did I do.” During the teen years children are beginning to really understand the consequences of actions, are self-reflective and detect inconsistency in statements. Teens are very egocentric. Peers are an important part of this developmental stage as the teen finds out “where do I fit in.” They are seeking to negotiate the crisis of identity vs. role confusion. Separation at this stage is seen as a disruption to their life. Loyalty conflicts are expressed in an extreme manner. Having the ability to think through problems causes the teen to think deeply about the changes that will occur as a consequence of the separation. Children at this stage experience anger, school problems, drug and alcohol abuse, depression/suicidality and act out against authority figures. Due to the fact that children are affected in various ways at different developmental states it is important to be able to co-parent in an effective manner. When parents can co-parent together, in a positive manner, children will be able to adjust to the separation without experiencing undue stress. It is important to remember that all children engage in “magical thinking” and will tend to blame themselves for the separation. Communication is extremely important. Children need to feel that they can discuss their fears, concerns, wishes and desires without the other parent becoming angry or talking ill of the parent that is not there. It will not be easy at times. As parents you will need to put aside your hurts and emotions and focus on the issues regarding your child. In the beginning it may help to utilize a communication log to report important information to the other parent or email. You can also request a good time to discuss issues when the children are not around. If it is difficult to be around the other parent in the beginning, minimize contact. Do not allow your conversations to discuss anything other than important issues regarding your child. Use basic communication skills when talking to the other parent. Listen and clarify what the other parent is saying. Do not be vague about pick-ups or drop-offs. Make an effort to stick to a routine schedule. If the schedule needs to change give ample time for the other parent to adjust their schedule. Keep the other parent informed about school events and activities. Your child will do best with both parents involved in his academic endeavors. Discuss doctor appointments and health issues. For your child to thrive you will both need to be on the same page. Discuss rules that can be reinforced at each home to make transition between houses easier. Never send messages to the other parent through your child. Communicate directly yourself. Remember, that it is not about you but your child. The most important thing to remember is that you cannot control the other parent. You can only control what you do. You will not parent the same way and that is okay. If you have an issue that you are concerned about, talk to the other parent without the child present. Children do not need the added burden of being caught in the middle. Do not interfere with the other parent and their parenting, unless there is a concern for the child’s well-being. If there is an issue of safety for your child document it and report it. Physical and emotional abuse, neglect and domestic violence in the home are never appropriate and cause lasting harm to children. The most important job that we have as parents is to protect our children and keep them safe. If you are having a difficult time with the transition, seek out someone to talk to. It is important to talk to someone that can listen objectively and put the needs of your child first, such as a therapist. Therapy can give you a safe place to work on the strong emotions that you may be experiencing away from your child. Therapy can also increase your ability to set boundaries and communicate in a clear manner with the other parent. In time as you work through your emotions it will be easier to co-parent in a healthy manner. |